How to Talk to Mom and Dad about Creating an Estate Plan

Conversations about death and dying are rarely fun. Most people avoid them because they invoke feelings about our inevitable demise. Broaching this subject can be particularly difficult for parents and their adult children. Adult children may avoid bringing up the topic because they do not want to think about their parents’ mortality, and they may also want to avoid sounding as though they are waiting for their parents to die.

Despite these valid challenges to having conversations about death and dying, you should not avoid the topic. Your parents will age and die at some point, and having a plan to care for their money and property as they age and when they pass away will preserve their legacy and help them care for those they love most. Having this difficult conversation will also ensure that your parents have a voice regarding their end-of-life care or when they can no longer make financial or medical decisions for themselves. Due to advancements in technology and healthcare, these conversations are increasingly important because more people are likely to experience a period when they are alive but unable to make decisions for themselves. In the absence of discussions about these scenarios and a legal delegation of decision-making authority, state law governs what happens. Those default rules may not reflect your parents’ wishes. In addition, failing to have your parents’ wishes properly documented may result in their heirs having to engage in expensive and time-consuming court processes.

Once you understand the consequences of not having those conversations, the next question is: how do you raise the issue with your parents? There are a number of different approaches, though no particular one is necessarily better than another. The following are some key ideas to keep in mind if you want to have this conversation with your parents.

● Do not nag. If you are trying to persuade your parents to talk about completing an estate plan, the last thing you want is to make the process—and yourself—an annoyance. Instead of engaging in a productive conversation, you may inadvertently create an atmosphere where your parents start avoiding you or become suspicious of your motives. If your parents hesitate to have these conversations, explore ways to bring up the topic without putting them on the defensive.

● Be open and honest about your concerns. Being truthful about your worries is a significant challenge when discussing what will happen to your parents if they die or lose the ability to make decisions for themselves. Every family is imperfect, and oftentimes, areas of concern indicate delicate family situations. To facilitate the best conversations about estate planning and achieve effective planning for your parents and their legacy, you must address the awkward family issues. You must ask the difficult questions now, while your parents are available to provide their insights.

It is also essential to have all necessary parties involved, such as siblings, stepchildren, new spouses, and former spouses. As your parents embark on these conversations, let them know that you support them. Prioritize understanding their wishes and helping them to protect those desires.

Ensuring that all parties are in generally good health is another consideration. Having these conversations after someone’s health is compromised may result in decisions that are not considered objectively. In those situations, attempts to think deeply about a plan for what happens to your parents, their property, and their legacy may be blurred by concerns regarding health.

● Ask your parents what their wishes are. Find out what your parents want and hope for regarding estate planning. Do not make assumptions. Be direct and ask them what their ideal situation is. What they say may surprise you. Even if you have had no previous conversations of this nature with them, that does not mean they lack a clear idea of how they see things occurring in the future. The problem is that they may not have the plans in place to realize their vision. Asking them about what they want brings them one step closer to making that vision a reality.

● Discuss the planning already in place. In many cases, parents did some estate planning when they started their family and never updated it. Therefore, your parents may have documents regarding what should happen if they can no longer make decisions for themselves or if they die, but the documents may no longer reflect the changes that have occurred in the family over time. Asking about what they have done in the past is a critical component of an effective conversation. Specifically, ask if they have any of the following documents, and ensure they are reviewed if they exist: 

○ Past wills 

○ Past trust documents 

○ Powers of attorney 

○ HIPAA authorization forms 

○ Insurance policies and retirement plan beneficiary designations

● Include benefits to their children and grandchildren. Addressing how your parents will build their legacy through their children and grandchildren is critical. Grandparents often feel a strong desire to provide for grandchildren, sometimes in ways that differ from how they provide for their children. Discussing the form and method of distributions, including whether childless siblings will receive less, requires tact and wisdom. Exploring your parents’ intentions for money and property ensures that their wishes are honored across generations.

If you approach your parents about end-of-life planning and have clear conversations about the topics above, you will be establishing the foundation for effective estate planning.

You Do Not Have to Do This Alone

If you feel overwhelmed by these steps and would like a neutral party to help facilitate the conversation and provide guidance regarding the estate planning process, our lawyers are available to assist. Call or schedule an appointment online for a virtual meeting to begin the process.

Disclaimer: The Information contained in this blog does not provide or constitute legal, financial, or other professional advice. The content is for general information, education, and not a substitute for professional advice. Accordingly, we encourage readers to consult with our office or other appropriate legal, financial, and other professionals to determine the best course of action for their individual and specific situation. Readers rely on the information conveyed herein at their own risk.